I’m in a state. Totally mental. Bouncing off the walls, my mind reeling and body going with it like a dance. Everything explodes outwards and I walk down the streets totally high, feet levitating. These people rushing past me are crazy. They don’t see what I see. They don’t know it. It’s all so pointless. We’re all just animals here and now, breathing and in love and with totally meaningless hang ups. Just relax and let it come over you. I get on the train with no particular direction in mind. It’s about time that I start to take things seriously and go with it. Sure, I’m meant to be at work, but I can’t deal with it right now and it means nothing. The train rushes onwards through these flat and formless lands. I have to change in London because you can’t go West without pausing in that place. London is the worst
of them all. Everyone there seems like they’ve totally lost the plot, or never even got it even in principle. So I skirt around and don’t surface. From Kings Cross, then the light blue line to Oxford Circus and hop straight onto the brown. It leads to Waterloo. I have to wait a while until there is a train going in the kind of direction that I seem to be drawn to. It’s ok. I park myself on a bench and read Huxley. It bends my mind.
Another few hours of whizzing countryside, but now there are hills and woods and reality. I like it and watch it all go past. I pulse and eat some food and then we’re here.
I recoil a moment and think; what am I doing back here? I should be at work.
But when it hits, you just have to go with and take it all in and let it free. That energy,
I mean you can’t even put it into words because it is totally pure. There are no pre-determined words that can explain it. So you just have to deal with it in the way it takes you and go with it. The problem with everyone is that they push it aside. I don’t even know if they have even felt this energy. If they have then why do they waste it? Why waste this life? Sure, yes, it is all meaningless. But why cram it with stuff that is even more meaningless and then attempt to make some excuse up to justify it? I can’t deal with that. Something real has hit me and I have to embrace it, so I do and get off the train.
A red ribbon comes right out of my Solar Plexus; it snakes around and then goes onwards. I smile and move forwards. The sun is hot and the birds sing. It’s so right. I seek the boy out who holds my heart. He’s right there and is not surprised to see me. We embrace and I plant kisses all over him, his neck, his cheeks, his hair, everywhere. I think I might stay here, because life was starting to get really fake.
This buzz lasts for a small while then crashes with a huge clatter. It’s too much and I can’t hold onto it. The world sucks me in and knocks it out of me. Now I’m crouched low to the ground, hugging my legs and not letting anyone in. Everything is pointless. I retain that sense. But the clarity has been shattered and now only a black confusion infuses me. The energy has shifted into an angry hum that consumes me. I can’t live right. I can’t be pure because everything around me is impure and it corrodes my will power. I get up and force my self back to my job and money. I am meek and low and quiet and numb.
Compliantly I wait for the energy to catch hold of me again. I hope that I can retain it this time; that I won’t let the rest of the world in; that I won’t let them spoil it for me. For now I am too weak and meek. For now I work and I take their money, buy food with it and play their insane game; the rules of which just don’t add up.
Jennifer Newbury © 2008