Adrian Brown


Since ancient time all prime ‘Upward Mobility’
Has aimed to climb the stairway to nobility.
For instance when King Charles was on the throne
That Merry Monarch oozed testosterone,
So at his beck and call, from far and wide,
His need for women had to be supplied –
Which meant where once a subject laid his life
Down for his king, he now must lay his wife;
With this advantage: that these royal snogs
Made instant peers of the resultant sprogs;
No sooner born - those bastards he begat –
Than Duke of this, the Marchioness of that,
And so on.
  Yet though ‘Old Rowley’ passed away
Long since, his progeny were here to stay,
For right up to the reign of Queen Victoria
They swanned around in privileged euphoria,
Flaunting in castles, abbeys, stately homes,
The proud connections of their chromosomes,
And ruling Britain’s horny-handed hordes
From the soft benches of the House of Lords.
Then came death duties, vile Lloyd George’s tax
That laid these sons of bitches on their backs,
As one by one great families went bust
(Except those rescued by the National Trust).

But recently their reeling status quo
Has felt an even heavier body-blow;
New Labour, swept to governmental glory,
Observed these lordlings tend to vote as Tory.
So, to correct an obsolete tradition,
(And sweep away encrusted opposition)
They axed this rule by accident of birth,
And filled our Upper Chamber up with worth.
Bold men of stature, enterprising, wise,
Were judged more fitting for this grand franchise,
While top-notch totty too received awards,
Installing Ladies in the House of Lords.

One matter though still merits close inspection;
And that concerns the manner of selection
For those put forward for such elevation.
Let’s scotch all hints of backstairs Levy-tation,
Like scurrilous hacks suggesting there’ve been offers
Of cash replenishment for party coffers;
That chaps instead of wives lay down their dosh
For peerages!! This charge just will not wash,
For it implies the dealings of democracy
Just replicate a venal aristocracy;
Though whereas whores of yore must paint to please,
We moderns get the naked face of sleaze!

No, no,
If such degrading upgrades once held sway,
There’snothing like them on the cards today.
Our PC system draws – we’re told first-hand
New nobles from the noblest in the land;
Each one, like Caesar’s wife, above suspicion,
And filling every ethical condition
Required for a patrician……politician.

Adrian Brown © 2009